Loving What You Are Leaving Behind
I did it! I officially put in my notice. The crazy thing is that it took every once of courage to get up and actually do it. I had put this date on my calendar months before I was planning to do it- I even had a countdown on my calendar. I started to share it with my friends, my therapist, my family, and my parents- who were especially reluctant to accept that I would actually go through with it. After you tell so many people, there’s no backing out. But come to think of it, when I shared my vision it was more about sharing the possibility of making this adventurous dream a reality and telling others made it that much more real. I needed those I care about, to see the vision in my adventure so that they wouldn’t worry so much.
Having the idea was great, and it brought a sense of purpose to my everyday life. But actually taking the risk and making it happen was another thing. I was choosing to leave a full-time job, great benefits, health insurance- in today's political climate, but I was also leaving behind all of the anxiety inducing stress and a dream that wasn’t my own. It literally took every ounce of courage, so much so that around 4:45pm I started thinking that staying another year wouldn’t be so bad. As soon as that thought crossed my mind I realized that I would be letting go of my adventure and that didn’t sit well with me. So I immediately got up and put in my notice, and it was liberating.
During the last two-weeks at work I was able to reflect back and recognize all the things I was grateful for. For one, I've come to realize that any heavy administrative job is not for me, my strength is in building relationships with people and developing ideas. But now I also recognize that I have the capacity to learn processes, policies, etc, all in a short amount of time and be good at it. Additionally, what got me through the workday were the people I worked with, students and colleagues a like, the campus, and all the people I met along the way. Also, the flexibility in the amount of mindless work I had to do. After I had learned to work in an effortless way, my mind didn't have to think so much to get work done. This allowed me, for hours at a time, to sit at my desk, work, and listen to audiobooks. Through the pages of listening I learned so much about myself, my mind, my heart, my body, the world, people's experiences- each one of those pages adding more credibility to my upcoming adventure. All of those books opened up an idea that I wouldn't have given a second thought, and for that I have to be thankful for the space that allowed me to do it.
I have finally started with my very own story and I now have the courage to live a life that brings me joy. I hold so much gratitude for all of the beautiful words authors, artist and thinkers have shared with us. They allowed me to escape all of my own negativity and helped me recognize the capacity that I hold in my heart to lead a better life all with an appreciation for everything I have left behind.